The key here is to have a sense of humor about ourselves. Though clarinet players receive the brunt of many jokes, the ability to “take it” is a mark of resilience. If you are looking for a funny clarinet joke to share in band practice, or a bass clarinet joke to throw at that singular person, here are some clarinet puns, jokes, and miscellaneous humor for you to enjoy.
Marriage is like playing the clarinet. It looks easy until you try it.
Without clarinets, life would B♭.
Best Clarinet Jokes
Q: What’s the same about a clarinet and a lawnmower?
A: You can tune them both!
Q: What’s the difference between a clarinetist and God?
A: God doesn’t think he’s a clarinetist.
Q: How do you know when a clarinet player is at your house?
A: They don’t know where to enter and what key to use.
Q: Why did the clarinetist stare at the orange juice carton?
A: Because it said concentrate!
Q: How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but he’ll go through a whole box before he finds just the right one!
Q: Why was the clarinetist arrested?
A: He was in treble.
Q: What’s the difference between a clarinet and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.
Q: How do you get a million dollars playing jazz clarinet?
A: Start off with 2 million.
Q: How do you stop an oboe from being stolen?
A: Put it in a clarinet case!
Q: What’s the difference between a clarinet solo and scraping your nails down the blackboard?
Q: What’s the definition of an optimist?
A: A clarinetist with a mortgage.
Q: Did you hear the joke about the woodwind?
A: I don’t remember how it goes, but the punchline is “the clarinet player got hit by a car”.
Q: What’s the definition of a nerd?
A: Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
Q: What do you throw a drowning clarinetist?
A: His case.
Q: What’s the difference between a clarinetist and garbage?
A: The garbage gets taken out once a week.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the clarinet recital.
Q: What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
A: No one cries when you chop a clarinet into little pieces!
Q: Clarinetist: Did you hear my last recital?
A: Friend: I hope so.
Q: Did you hear about the clarinetist who played in tune?
A: Neither did I.
Q: What do you call 20 clarinetists at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.
Q: How do you know when a clarinetist has died?
A: The concertmaster moves them back a chair…
Q: How do you transcribe a clarinet piece for bass clarinet?
A: Divide the metronome marking by two.
Q: What is a bass clarinet?
A: A soprano clarinet impersonating a bassoon.
Q: What do you call a bunch of clarinetists in a hot tub?
A: Vegetable soup.
Q: What is an alto clarinet?
A: A clarinet designed for soprano clarinetists who want all their parts rewritten in Eb.
Q: Why aren’t there very many alto clarinet jokes?
A: Most people have better things to do with their time.
Q: Is there any difference between the sound of a clarinet and that of a cat in heat?
A: Of course there is, but only if the cat’s in good health!
Q: What’s the best thing to play on a clarinet?
Q: What’s perfect pitch?
A: Throwing a bass clarinet into a dumpster without hitting the rim.
Q: What’s the difference between a clarinet and a mouse?
A: You can’t hear a mouse squeak over the entire band!
Q: What do you call a successful clarinetist?
A: A guy whose wife has 2 jobs.
Q: How do you make a clarinet sound beautiful?
A: Sell it and buy a flute.
Q: What do you call a line setup by clarinetists?
A: A circle!
Q: What does a clarinet and a baseball have in common?
A: People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
Q: Why are there so many clarinetists in a band?
A: Because the conductor wants someone to play the right notes.
Q: What’s the difference between a clarinet and a trombone?
A: A trombone bends before it breaks!
Q: Why was the clarinet invented?
A: To make the oboe look good, mess up someone’s fingers, and to ensure that there will always be someone to steal reeds from.
Q: What do all great clarinetists have in common?
A: They are all dead.
Q: What’s the difference between a Bb clarinet and a bass clarinet?
A: The bass clarinet burns longer.
Q: Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the clarinet?
A: It saves time.
Q: How do you make a clarinet sound beautiful?
A: Sell it and buy a stereo!
Q: Why don’t clarinet players play hide and seek?
A: Because no one will look for them.
Q: How do you keep your jewelry from being stolen?
A: Leave it in a clarinet case.
Q: How do know a clarinet player is playing loud?
A: You can almost hear them.
Q: How do you get a clarinet player to play louder?
A: You can’t!
Q: What does a clarinet and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
Q: What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Q: What do you get when you remove half a bass clarinetist’s brain?
A: An even more gifted contrabass clarinetist.
Some More Clarinet Humor
A guy walks into the doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I haven’t had a bowel movement in a week!” The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, “If it doesn’t work, let me know.” A week later the guy is back: “Doc, still no movement!” The doctor says, “Hmm, guess you need something stronger,” and prescribes a powerful laxative. Still another week later the poor guy is back: “Doc, STILL nothing!” The doctor, worried, says, “We’d better get some more information about you to try to figure out what’s going on. What do you do for a living?” “I’m a musician. I play the clarinet.” The doctor looks up and says, “Well, that’s it! Here’s $10.00. Go get something to eat!”
Clarinets like to play it close to the edge
St Peter is checking ID’s at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. “Tell me, what have you done in life?” says St. Peter. The Texan says, “Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn’t sit on my laurels–I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations.” St. Peter says, “That’s quite something. Come on in. Next!” The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, “I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn’t selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children.” “Wonderful!” says Saint Peter. “Come in. Who’s next?” The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, “Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime.” “Heavens!” says St. Peter. “What instrument did you play?
An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears.
There are two instruments that are worse than a clarinet — two clarinets
A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of clarinetists. They called ground control with a list of demands. Then they told the negotiator if their demands aren’t met they will release one clarinetist an hour.
Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world when so much of it has passed through clarinets.
“Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 50 minute clarinet solo.”
Clarinets are like ninjas. You can’t hear us but we’re there.
Definition of a gentleman: “A man who has a clarinet but doesn’t play it!’
A man walked to a meat store looking for some brains for dinner. He looked at the selections:
- Flute Brains, $1/lb
- Tuba Brains, $10/lb
- Percussion Brains, $5/lb
Then he saw a sign that read:
- Clarinet Brains, $100/lb
He asked the butcher why clarinet brains were so expensive. The butcher replied, “Do you know how many clarinets you have to kill to get a pound of brains?”
Top ten reasons to play clarinet:
10. It’s lightweight.
9. You won’t get struck by lightning.
8. You get to stay away from the percussionists.
7. Making clicky noises with the keys.
6. It sounds okay when you don’t squeak.
5. All composers like you.
4. You outnumber every other section in the band.
3. Tastes like a tree.
2. Mooching off the oboes.
1. It beats playing flute.
Five reasons not to:
5. Too much competition.
4. Brains worth $100 a pound.
3. Too much squeaking.
2. The case is more useful than the instrument.
1. Having to deal with all the idiots in the section.
Guy goes into the john at the concert hall and takes a piss. Another guy comes in and takes a piss next to him, but a fountain of piss goes everywhere including all over the first guy. Looking at the other guy’s tool he sees that it’s full of holes! The second guy says that he has always had this problem. So the first guy gives the second a business card and tells him to go and see this man, to which the second guy replies asking, “Is this a doctor?” “No, says the first guy, “It’s a clarinet player, he’ll show you how to hold it!”
An oboist noticed at the end of each rehearsal break, one of the clarinetists would look at the inside flap of his jacket before he sat down to resume rehearsal. This continued for several years, and the oboist became quite curious about it. One day, during hot weather, the clarinetist took off his jacket and went on break. The oboist waited until everyone was off the platform, looked around, and sneaked over to the jacket. He pulled back the flap and saw a little note pinned on the inside. It read: “left hand top, right hand bottom.”
Clarinetists suck and blow.